Question 1

Why make soap with beer?

Accepted Answer

Why not make soap with beer?

Most soap is made with tap water... Tap water... while technically safe to drink... is not as enjoyable as beer...

but...

Men like beer!  
Some women even like beer.

Beer is delicious and makes a fantastic starting point for making soap!

Question 2

Will I smell like a brewery after using beer soap?

Accepted Answer

Don't blame our soap for your funky musk... blame your mom for not teaching you the finer points of personal hygiene!

Some of you will be disappointed about this but...  None of the wonderful beer smell is transferred into the final product...

So... Sadly... You will NOT smell like you just woke up in a brewery after using our soap!  If you do  smell like beer afterwards, you used it wrong and we are sending a team with an anal probe to find out how you did it Einstein!

Question 3

Can I get drunk from eating beer soap?

Question 4

Why would I use your soap over something cheaper from the grocery store?

Accepted Answer

You're free to do whatever you want princess... (except in Trudeau's Canada, communist China, and Bill Gates underwear drawer)... but be warned... Mass produced soap is not made and sold at low prices because of the high quality of ingredients in them...  Eye Roll... Can you pronounce any of the ingredients?  No?   Neither can we.

They're chemical concoctions and they're much cheaper to produce than something like extra virgin olive oil.  The laws governing corporations require that they pursue profit... and a low priced product requires low cost ingredients so your money can go farther and you buy more of their low quality soap... which dries your skin out... so then you have to buy their moisturizer... See how this works?

So... If your skin is itchy all the time and you're constantly scratching... it's probably caused by the soap you use... which is probably cheap and mass produced.

You'd be better off to use no soap at all...  Or use soap made with a reasonable pH and real and healthy ingredients.

Question 5

How long does a bar/puck of Vice Soap last?

Accepted Answer

It depends on how often you bathe hillbilly Ken.

If you bathe once a month... whether you need it or not... a puck of Vice Soap will last the rest of your life...

If you're using it every day... It'll last about a month.

Now if you're washing your hands with a puck of our exfoliating soap with the abrasive ground coffee after branding your cattle, fixing your Harley or tending your garden... its gonna last six months or more.

Pro Tip... Use soap on your smelly parts and let water take care of the rest... Balls, pits, and ass get the soap... shoulders, calves, and back get the water.

Question 6

How is beer soap made?

Accepted Answer

Making a batch of beer soap is such a highly skilled, complex, and life threatening process that it would scare the wrinkles right out of Charles Bronson's balls... IF he thought he was man enough to get his hands on a big slice of our soap.

It is such a dangerous and demanding process that we are drunk and naked for the whole hour it takes to make... and wish we were drunk and naked for the 4 weeks it takes to cure.

Question 7

How long can I store a bar of Vice Soap before using it?

Accepted Answer

WTF?!  If you save your soap you may have bigger problems than what our soap can solve for you!
Use your pucks up before they are a year old.

Question 8

What's so great about your beer soap?

Accepted Answer

Ok Einstein...

What soap did your wife put in the shower?

Does it smell puurrdy like her?

We're sure you smell REALLY pretty too tough guy!

Second question...

What's in the soap or shower gel you are using right now? Any idea???

Did you have any problem pronouncing any of the ingredients?  Thought so.

Now, read the Vice Soap ingredient list.

Now, what was your question again?

Question 9

What's with the strange shape?

Accepted Answer

Every Canadian man knows what shape this is... its the exact size and shape of a hockey puck!

Three inches across and one inch thick.

Go back to kicking your soccer ball Paolo

Question 10

Are there any special precautions  that I should be aware of when using Vice Soap?

Accepted Answer

Yes...

#1... Don't leave your girlfriend alone with us while you are amusing yourself with our soap in the shower.

#2... Don't leave a bar of Vice Soap sitting in water!

The top secret formula we use to make our soap not only attracts moisture to your skin, it attracts moisture to itself and... much like your mom at last call, it just can't say no.  It will soak up water and get mushy... it will firm up again but you will end up with a smaller bar very quickly!

Question 11

Will your soap help my eczema?

Accepted Answer

We don't have scientifically gathered evidence that our soap will help with eczema... (We actually had to look up how to spell eczema) and while we only have anecdotal evidence from a few of our customers about this... and are in no way making claims that our soap will help... We've had several customers tell us that they don't have flareups like they do with other soap.   Decide for yourself.

Question 12

How long should you leave coffee scrub on for?

Accepted Answer

If Christmas has come again... You've left it on too long!

Wet yourself down with warm water then turn the water off.  Start applying scrub.  By the time you've applied scrub to your whole body... the scrub you put on first will have been on for at least 5 minutes. Wash your hair before you rinse the scrub off if you want to leave it on longer.

Use scrub in the shower... Not the bath.  Cleaning it out of the tub after taking a bath with it is a bitch!

We also wouldn't use a new or white towel afterwards.

Question 13

How often should you use coffee scrub?

Accepted Answer

One company says to use their scrub 3-5 times a week... Only if you like pouring money down the drain!  More does not mean better!  They're just trying to sell you more product.  Once or twice a week is lots!

Question 14

What should we apply after coffee scrub?

Accepted Answer

We wouldn't apply anything after coffee scrub.  The coffee grounds and grains of sugar in the scrub will clean and exfoliate your skin and the oils will do the job of moisturizing for you.  Rinse the scrub off by using a water temperature that is a bit hotter than warm.  Water cold like Santa's balls is too cold and won't allow the oils in the coffee scrub to flow properly.

Question 15

Can I use coffee scrub for sensitive skin?

Accepted Answer

If you have "sensitive" skin... you probably actually have skin that is reacting to the soap you regularly use... which also means that you are using the wrong soap and you are using it too often.

Rosy patches on your cheeks and forehead does NOT necessarily mean you have sensitive skin.  Rosy palms is a different problem.

Women are especially at risk for soap reactivity because they spend half their woke hours washing makeup off their faces and water hot enough to boil lobsters when they shower.

We would strongly suggest that you use a soap that is NOT mass produced... stay away from the soaps with ingredients that you can't pronounce and go with something that has ingredients you can eat... Soap with extra virgin olive oil, grape seed oil, coconut oil etc.  Look for glycerine on the label too.  In fact... we would suggest that you only use soap on your smelly parts and don't use soap anywhere else at all.

Try it for a month and then tell us we're wrong.  We think you'll be pleasantly surprised!  Just like that time when your dad found out he isn't actually your dad!  At that point there will be no need to ask if you can use coffee scrubs on sensitive skin because you probably won't have sensitive skin anymore!

Question 16

Does coffee scrub help stretch marks?

Accepted Answer

No

Your skin is made up of three main layers.  The:
epidermis... the outermost layer of skin
dermis... the middle layer of skin
hypodermis... the innermost layer of skin

And each of these three layers are made up of layers... layers within the layers... See this article for more information.

Stretch marks are scars that occur in the dermis (the middle layer) while coffee scrub is applied to the epidermis... the top coat.   Kind of like when it's raining and you're sitting in your car... the rain doesn't affect you in the car... Unless you're in a convertible.  So although hygiene companies on the internet, and bloggers may tell you that coffee scrubs will help get rid of stretch marks... They are lying to you... Just like what your mom told you when you saw Santa coming down her "chimney".    Think of using coffee scrub to clean the layers of dead skin off your hide like taking off your winter coat... Just makes your man boobs and beer gut much easier to see.

Simply put... Coffee scrubs will exfoliate your epidermis very well but won't help your stretch marks.  Sorry.

Question 17

Why does my skin peel after I get sunburned?

Accepted Answer

The key word is burn.  A burn of any sort damages your skin and it has to heal.  Here is a scientific article on wound healing.

We do know that after-care of a sunburn is IMMENSELY important!

The last thing you want to do is to dry a sunburn out.

Cheap mass produced grocery store soaps are usually filled with chemicals and preservatives... Officially their job is to "clean" your skin... but they dry out your skin and the preservatives sometimes cause skin reactions... Cheap mass produced "soap" pH is closer to 14 than 7 on the 0 to 14 pH scale... meaning it's harsh... like when your ex lied in court and got custody of your kids.  Water is gentle with a pH of roughly 7.

We have noticed that when we use Vice Soap after a sunburn we don't peel as badly... if at all!  This is anecdotal evidence... It works for us but will it work for you?

Question 18

Can you bathe without soap?

Accepted Answer

Here are some different versions of the same question...

What happens if you don't bathe with soap?
Is it better to not use soap on your body?
What can be used instead of soap for bathing?
How long can you go without using soap for bathing?

Well... Yes... You can definitely bathe without soap!  We encourage it!

And for a soap company to tell you that you don't need soap might seem crazy... Crazy like your dad that time he chased you out of the house screaming after you snapped his ass with a towel when you found him bent over drinking from the kitchen faucet in his underwear.

All you really need is to rinse off with warm water...

Warm water... not hot... because the hotter the water, the quicker your skin's natural oils become viscous and more likely to flow off you.  Cold water like cold weather is going to make your natural oils thicker and less likely to flow off of you.  (We aren't against cold showers btw) Think of bacon for a minute... bacon fat is not viscous when it is in the fridge but when you cook it the fats liquefy... becoming more viscous.

We would suggest that you use soap on your smelly parts... hair, pits, balls, and ass, but the rest of you is more than happy to NOT have soap applied to it.

Why?

Soap breaks down your natural protective oils and the connections between skin cells which allows your skin to dehydrate (beef jerky is just dehydrated meat).  The more frequently you apply soap to your skin, the less of an opportunity your skin has to re-moisturize itself by producing your naturally protective oils.

The drier your skin is, the less protective oil you have trapping moisture inside the layers of your skin.  Moist skin has plump cells... like your balls in your 20's... like little tiny basketballs... Dry skin has dehydrated cells... like your balls after 20 years of marriage...  saggy and flat like a condolence card.

The dryer your skin the sooner you get wrinkles.

VICE SOAP

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