How to Grow a Beard

So you want to grow a beard do you Princess?

It's time for you to look like a man is it?

To get the respect you "deserve", have women throw themselves at you, and to inherit the instantaneous life experience that comes with having a full lush beard.

We get it... you are frustrated with having tiny little squirrel balls, a high voice, and getting cracked for ID every time you go to buy a Teen Burger at A & W.

Well you've come to the right place...

It's easier than you may think... but you have to be committed to the process no matter what anyone says.

Don't let anybody... not your wife, your 2.4 lap dogs, or your mom convince you to abandon the process!

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Gather Your Supplies

You will need a car, a shovel, large rubberized container... at least 45 quarts, a box of cling wrap.

1... Get in your car

2... Drive out of town

3... You are looking for a field where horses or cattle roam.

4... Drive up to the farmhouse and be respectful and polite when you walk up to the farm house door.

5... When the farmer comes to the door with his shotgun in hand don't shit your pants but quickly explain that you are there to do him no harm... but you need a lot of fertilizer from his livestock field for growing your beard.

6... When he points in the best direction for collection thank him warmly and then thank the beautiful Lord Jesus and angels above that he didn't fill you full of bird shot!

7... Find the biggest pile you can and shovel several loads of fertilizer into the large container in the trunk of your car... you can never have too much.... if there's any left over after your beard starts to sprout, you can always sell it to your friends.

8... When you arrive back at home, unload your super beard growth gold into the refrigerator... fill it up!

9... Grab a cereal bowl from your cupboard and fill it up with the fertilizer then proceed to the bathroom for the initial application.

10... Mush up the bowl of fertilizer with a little water in your hands so as to make a thick paste... add a little more water if it isn't working properly... it should be the consistency of chocolate chip cookie dough.

11... Apply directly to your skin... not being afraid to massage it in deep where it can get to your follicles.

12... Wrap your face in Saran Wrap to keep the fertilizer in place and head to bed because by this time it's dark out and you've had quite the day big fella... be sure to leave mouth and nose holes so you can breathe.

13... Apply again in the morning being careful to not remove until you get home at the end of the day... it needs time for the nutrients to work their way in.

Repeat daily until your beard starts to grow into the thick full mane of a wild animal king that you were born to be.

Good Luck and thank your mom for being the hairy beast of a man that she is who gifted you the right genetics for growing a fanfuckingtastic beard!